Clouds and storms

I'll start this post by throwing out a straight question. Would you rely (entirely) on someone who isn't capable of distinguishing between fantasy and reality? Someone who's fooled by any sort of input, being visual, tactile, auditory? Someone who is driven solely by associations and false assumptions? I hear you say no, but you're probably wrong...and it's not omniscience talking...quite the contrary.

Our mind, that incessant chatter-box, designed to aid us in comprehension, our most-refined tool and companion throughout our earthly existence, doesn't know what's real. Yes, I mean it. Let me prove it this very minute...what's your greatest fear? Heights? Cockroaches? Tall women? Whatever it is, close your eyes and think of an extreme situation which brings you in direct and intense contact with that fear. Can you feel the emotions rising? Can you feel those chemical reactions the body releases in times of panic, as a form of protection? What's instructing the brain (the physical counterpart) to press the SOS button and send those signals to the body?  It's your mind, which has been tricked into believing the imagination was real.

With no respite, the mind works in that mode, as its primary purpose isn't that to guide and instruct, but to allow us to navigate the physical dimension. Once it is given an entrusting role, we fall into a circle of false perceptions, judgements and fixations on arguments or ideas that don't exist. Stimuli to the mind from the eyes, ears, nose, taste buds, trigger a thought which in turn induces an emotion which might change the course of the day for no valid reason. It's a domino effect...indulge in it and be fooled.

If I'm sounding like someone who's figured it out and mastered the art of viewing the mind as simply a tool, well that's another false perception...right there. I am writing this post as I need to remind myself that over analysing, attempts at understanding people's reactions or thoughts, anxiety, fear are all illusions created inside and by the mind. Why should I feel bad if I'm healthy? Why should I feel bad if there is no imminent danger and all is well in this present moment? The answer is that I shouldn't. We all shouldn't.

Face the storm when it's there, but don't be taken to a storm by a cloud.

Finding the one

The question is, do you look or do you wait?

It probably depends on your view of the Universe. If you're opting for the simplistic design where everything is what it seems, with no after-life, hidden forces or interconnected paths, well in that case the answer is pretty obvious; you need to create your own reality, look hard and find that partner you've always dreamed of.

If, however, you're like me, a romantic believer that there is far more than meets the eye, legacies, karma, invisible bonds...in that case things get a little complex and answers are hard to come by. The concept of a soul-mate adds a lot intrigue to this already interesting world and let's face it, how many perfect matches do you think exist out there?

 Statistically, some could say, finding your soul-mate/perfect match is next to impossible. That is exactly why, in my view, countless couples end up separating, divorcing or leading miserable lives together. They either settled for less due to some silly constraint (time, society, opportunities), didn't wait or look hard enough, which brings me back to my original question. Look or wait?

 I am starting to believe it's a mixture of both. You need to open up to the idea, put yourself in the position and act on the opportunity whenever it appears in front of you. At the same time, you need to be patient about it and chill out whenever your head drives you crazy when you're lonely or when your last single friend gets married. It's hard for the dots to connect, but I do believe it is possible. Allowing the idea to exist in ones head is strong enough to influence the intersection of life paths.

 If you obsess too much about this sort of thing it's quite easy to lose touch with reality. People will simply pass by unnoticed and you'll only be focusing on the details that have no real meaning. If you're trying too hard, I think it's time to take a break and start letting go of that strong desire.

 It's a bit like when you're squeezing your brain to remember that actor's name during a conversation. The harder you try, you're simply diminishing your chances. Eventually you let it go and after a few hours, whilst opening the kitchen drawer in search of the corkscrew, it comes to you with no effort whatsoever.

 I need to get back to looking for my corkscrew...

Learn from the student?

We look at children as little creatures that require protection, sheltering, that need to be cared for and attended to...we especially think of children as students who need to (quickly) learn all there is to know about survival, society's complex ways, how to properly interact with the world, instill inhibitions, build boundaries, obsess about the future, worry about the past and trying to generally avoid making mistakes. In other words, we totally screw them up.

The biggest lesson within this context is a great paradox in itself. Children, the perceived students, can teach us, the self-proclaimed teachers, the most valuable lessons of all. Children are capable of living the present moment, the now. We, on the other hand, are constantly absorbed with that which does not exist, better known as the past and the future. Children are only concerned with what they're up to at a specific point in time and certainly won't waste time worrying about things to come (which normally never end up materialising).

Children, in their purest form, have no concept of boredom as they are constantly discovering new things and concepts. They look at the world as one big adventure, one big joy ride. We adults look at the world as a set of known constants, filled with predictable and useless routines, overflowing with labels and judgements and very little or no excitement at all. We end up running after the next best thing (holiday, intoxicated night out, relationship) in order to recreate some sort of edge that keeps us hanging on.

Biting on an apple could easily be the most mundane of things. We know what it tastes like, know what to expect and hardly think about it whilst chewing. At the same time we could turn every bite into a new experience, tasting the apple, noticing the texture against our toungues, smelling the sweet smell emitted by the fruit and admiring the mixture of colours and unique patterns of any single apple. This is the way a child lives, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. Always aware and constantly focused on the present moment.

Live like a child and life will become worth living. Live like a child and discover that boredom is a fictiscious fabrication, even when we're scraping dirt off our bathroom tiles. Live like a child and discover something new each time you look at a blank piece of paper, always gazing with a new and different perspective. Live like a child and rid yourself of labels and judgements, fears and inhibitions.

Our job as adults is to unlearn all of society's brainwashing and to get in touch with our original selves...back to the roots, back to the innocence, back to our inner child...

letting go

If you just pause a little and think about it, life is a series of mixed experiences that shape us into what we are at this very moment. From the very early hours of life, our direct and distant surroundings have chiseled at our persona, along the way producing the mind that, right now, is reading this post....you.

Life, oh life…a journey, at times concurrently, can be wonderful, horrible, terrifying, fulfilling, joyful, painful, beautiful...simplicity and complexity lose their meaning as the boundary between the two narrows whenever effort is exerted to comprehend. What all these experiences have in common is that they all lead the way to a pair of uniform, constant outcomes...we could either interpret an experience as a catalyst for change, a teacher, a tool for becoming a wiser being. Alternatively, an experience may become a haunting concept that, from the back of our mind, controls our feelings, actions, emotions and our life in general.

To you I admit that my life has become a container overflowing with these tormenting thoughts and bits of scattered information. I have touched a point where a personal decision has been made to empty this vessel (my mind) and revert back to the real me. Last weekend I held a newly-born baby and couldn't help thinking that the little creature breathing peacefully inside (literally) my hands was a human being in its purest and most untainted form. Each day that goes by, society will rob that baby of his unconditional purity and turn him into a modern-age zombie.

This is exactly what happened to me and to great part of humanity. I discovered this first hand by taking the time to observe my mind whilst it was being bombarded by the countless thoughts that kept springing out of nowhere; for no apparent reason. Ruling out the possibility of insanity, another plausible explanation would be the following: the conditioning I have unintentionally been subjected to, has created a number of associations that trigger automated responses when certain criteria are met.

Ever asked yourself why the hell you're feeling down? Ever felt guilty of an over-reaction, but couldn't quite figure out why the whole thing had been blown out of proportion? The answer is simple and lies dormant inside your head until it is time for that mini volcano to erupt. It could be attachment to a dear ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend, for the female reader); it could be something that has never been forgiven; it could be an injustice that still hurts. It could also be something you don't even (and never will) remember.

My cup is full and I want to clear it, cleansing it of all the useless junk that has accumulated over the years. I want to make room for new thoughts and emotions...ones that make me feel better, not worse. The only way of doing so is to break the association and return to a neutral state…a state in which judgments are avoided and where reason reigns above everything.

I have decided to move on,
I have decided to forgive,
I have decided to accept....

I have decided to let go

Courage of being afraid

Inside of me there is this weird, old and somewhat dark fascination with the Italian Mafia. It's not that I condone any of its negative aspects, not one bit. Had I been asked to delve deeper, I would label it as a childish curiosity at the way this phenomenon has seeped into all of society's cracks and the loss of inhibition towards committing atrocious crimes...extermination with the intent of establishing and solidifying power.

Browsing through the countless video clips on youtube, I came across a short interview which had Mr. Giovanni Falcone as the subject. Mr. Falcone, a Sicilian high-profile judge, was the mastermind behind the maxi trial that put behind bars hundreds of Mafia soldiers and bosses. A person of immense integrity, strength, determination and a man driven by principles which at the end cost him his dear life.

During this particular interview, Mr. Falcone was asked if he ever feared for his life. At that stage he was constantly shadowed by security forces, spent most of his time inside and the pressure of being murdered could be felt, smelt and touched inside the city of Palermo.

The answer to that question deserves this new paragraph, this blog entry and our total respect. The judge, with a stricking, yet fitting smile, replied that it was not important to determine the level of fear in someone. What's important is to learn to live with one's fear, not allowing it to emotionally take over. That is what defines courage, the ability to face your fear. Without fear, there is no courage, but only a state of unconsciousness.

This triggerred a serious ponder and it warms my heart to think that something so beautiful could come up during such a difficult time. Mr. Falcone was killed a few weeks later, lifting him to hero status, which I fully endorse. Men so truthfully loyal to their beliefs are like a drop of rain on the sun's surface.

It's perfectly fine and normal to be afraid, nothing to feel ashamed about. We all have our inner fears and we should all learn how to deal with them so that they never take over. Keep in control, embrace your fear, live with it, respect it, but show it you're the one who commands, the one who calls the shots. That is what makes us brave...

Riposa in pace carissimo Sig. Falcone.

bitter sweet disharmony

Funny how differently we perceive life's journeys, depending on our mood. Sometimes the most bitter of sweets taste sweet, and the most sweet of sweets taste bitter. Can we ditch the bitter and stick with the sweet? A question very well suited for a Monday night, a time when the mind is still willing to reason.

I don't believe in people being overly positive, simply because that sort of attitude is not a true reflection of reality...in fact it's a form of escape, programmed to alienate a mind from the hardships and suffering that exist in this world. Applying the same argument to the lower curve of the wave, total negativity is an opposing extremity that takes us away from the beauty and wonders that adorn our lives. What we need, is a balanced mind that is capable of accepting what is and taking advantage of every situation. Keep your eyelids open, for what you need is right in front of you.

You see, the bitter sweets play an incredibly important role...they make the sweet sweets taste sweeter.

for you

elusive. yes, that's what you are
could be here...infinitely far

hope...it fuels the loving flame
my mind a beast you'd hate to tame

reality. written paths meant to join
or is it random...a toss of a coin?

the years go passing by
becomes easier to cry

still here.
still here.

unchained melodies

...living free of judgement, be it self or external, is the purest form of existance - one that frees the mind, allowing it to concentrate on the present without any inhibitions, worries and petty internal discussions. Society has programmed us in a funny way...too much importance is given to what others think of us and a lot of mental energy is consumed in trying to understand the best way to act in a particular situation. We see ourselves as mind readers, capable of determining perceptions formed by the person standing next to us - "am I dancing funny? is that why they were laughing in this direction" ... "what's so special about that guy? why isn't she looking at me"

you know what, just fucking live my friend. Look at a simple cat or dog and learn the biggest lesson the world has on offer. Live in the now, alienate those obsessive thoughts and draining theories that have plagued your head since the day you ceased to be a kid. Children are stripped away of their spontanous interaction with the world by adults who have themselves lost the passion for living. Concentarte on the very thing you're doing right now (reading this post!) and ignore the inner critic, that repetitive voice that brings you down with its comparisons to others, judgements and wasted celebral activity.

Do things you normally wouldn't even consider...act stupid, dance stupid, talk stupid...make mistakes, raise people's eyebrows, break the mould, surprise yourself. Something will always come up...life is an incredible experience, and if there was a mortal sin, wasting it would hit the number one spot. Forget patterns, paths, fixed plans, unwritten rules. Unless you're harming others or yourself, there is nothing to stop you from being an individual - someone who's not afraid to be judged, or wastes time judging others.

il-gallarija ta' lewn kafelatte

"din iċ-ċappetta għandha bżonn naqa żejt", ħaseb miegħu nnifsu Joe, hu u jiftaħ il-bieb ta' dik il-gallarija ta' lewn kafelatte, biż-żeba kważi kompletament imqaxxra. Ħsieb rikorrenti li ghadu qatt ma wassal ghal azzjoni. Iż-żmien dejjem iħalli t-timbru u Joe żgur ma kellux is-saħħa sabiex ikun l-eċċezzjoni għar-regola tax-xjuħija. Tnejn u tmenin sena ma jinħassux biss fl-għadam, imma wkoll fil-moħħ...speċjalment moħħ ta anzjan li għejja jgħix.

Il-ġrajjiet li wasslu għal din l-apatija kienu bosta fil-ħajja ta' Joe...id-dwejjaq kostanti għerqulu qalbu sakemm kull qatra ta' ferħ li qatt immaterjalizzat fil-ħajja tiegħu, telghet fil-wiċċ u nixfet bħal biċċa ta' l-art ġox-xemx qalila ta' Awwissu. Il-mewta ta' Ġefri, l-amorin fidil ta' tmien snin, kompliet timbutta l-ġewwa dak il-musmar fil-qabar mentali tal-ħabib taghna, imwieled Giuseppe - isem frott ta' l-influwenza Taljana fi xtutna, meqruda kważi totalment mil-forzi imperjali. Pero' dik hija storja apparti...forsi storja ghal darb'oħra.

Ix-xjuħ jaghtu importanza lir-rutina, u r-rutina normalment tagħti bidu għal drawwa - fost il-ħafna li kellu Joe, kien hemm dik li joħroġ fil-gallarija ta' lewn kafelatte sabiex jilmaħ ix-xemx tinħeba l-ewwel fost is-siġar ta' l-gholja, imbghad ġol-bejt ta' Ġanni tal-bazaar.

Ħasra li drawwa ddum ma tmut ghax din il-persistenza twassal kważi dejjem għal sofferenza - bħal meta toħroġ fil-gallarija u tintebaħ għal-elf darba illi Ġanni miet, u miegħu mietet id-dar bl-istejjer kolla li nġemgħu matul is-sekli, sabiex taw ħajja lil dak il-blokk, orrend, ta' fletsijiet.

Blokk ta' fletsijiet, fost il-mijjiet, li qerdu l-wied u qatlu lil dik l-istess xemx Maltija li fl-imgħoddi kienet tnixxeff il-biċċiet ta' l-art fuq il-bejt ta' Joe, waqt dawk il-ġranet sajfin ta' Awissu. Il-qtar tal-ferħ, tfittxu tista', pero' li ssibu huwa mpossibli f'dinja mibnijja minn karti ta' l-ewro u fuq il-gwaddan personali ta' l-impreditur, modern, Malti.

"din iċ-ċappetta għandha bżonn ta' naqa żejt", ħaseb miegħu nnifsu Joe, hu u jagħlaq il-bieb ta' dik il-gallarija ta' lewn kafelatte biż-żeba kważi kompletament imqaxxra.

Children of Narcissus

To what extremes people are prepared to go to in their battle against ageing and deformity! Very few members of this society are at peace with the physical manifestation of themselves. Face lifts, cosmetic plastic surgeries, liposuctions...the list is endless and as time moves forward, the menu from which to choose from only grows larger. The hunger and drive to look beautiful and younger is eating away at the stomach of this degenerate population, driven by that shallow, decadent beast: materialism.

I can only think of a few constants and certainties that exist in the physical world we live in; ageing and death are perfect examples - neither can be reversed or slowed down. Attempts in doing so could be compared to drawing a line on the edge of a sandy beach, only to have it erased by the successive wave that flows in. So why do people choose to lie to themselves and the people around them by altering their image? Why is it so hard to accept the reality of old age and imperfections? To answer these questions we first need to explore the term beautiful.

Beauty is an abstract concept that changes entirely from one age to another. Stick one of today's super models inside a time machine and set the dial to the eighteenth century - the model would be in tears with the whole village making fun of the skinny freak. She would probably end up in a travelling circus! Within a short span of time, fat has lost its top spot in the list of fashionable looks, and what was considered as beautiful for men (and women) a few centuries ago is being looked down by the same (evolved?) societies. Time is a changing factor in the concept of beauty, but not only; it also varies accross different races and even countries. Women with blonde hair are seen as an exotic spieces in the southern mediterranean region, where everything is a tad darker. A blonde woman in Sweden, however, is simply another drop in a vast, Swedish ocean. In most African countries, men are still mainly attracted to bigger women and in China people with western eyes have an innate advantage over the local population. So the real question is, which of these concepts of beauty is the real deal? Since today's idea of beauty is different from that of yesteryear and changes with a simple flight to a neighbouring country, is there a 'real' model of beauty we could aspire to? The answer is no.

Beauty is relative to the age and country you choose to live in; this is what makes it absurd to fight your physical appearance and let some doctor cut into your face or inject botox into your lips. Society dictates what should be considered as beautiful and pushes its decision down our throats by splattering images of 'model' people in magazines, newspapers and movies. Our perception of beauty is distorted by this constant bombardment of images, beauty products, adverts for cosmetic surgeries and so on. People get sucked into the beauty vortex and feed the machine by opting for a nose reconstruction or hair transplant, hence, satisfying the beauty God...the new nose will only be the start...what about a breast implant to compliment my new face?

However there is a universal concept of beauty that stands the test of time and that remains unchanged from one country to another...the inner beauty within us - that warm person who's presence makes you feel good; the person who makes you laugh; the friend that would do anything for you; the big-hearted people who make this world a better place to live in. This is what Narcissus never understood...

the intermediary

I spent the end of 2009 in Barcelona, walking endlessly from one architectural marvel to the next, enjoying the buskers playing incredible Spanish guitar and indulging my culinary cravings with the most glorious of foods. On one particular day, in the company of some close friends, I devoured what seemed like (and probably was) an exaggerated number of tapas. The menu lacked variety so we ended up ordering repeat dishes; one such plate was the foie gras, which till 3 weeks ago was an absolute favorite of mine...until I got food poisoning the following morning that is.

Every single time I thought of the dish in question I felt a strong dash of nausea, only repelled by the resilience that kept me from vomiting on Barcelona's poshest of avenues. I kept reminding myself not to think of the offending food, but the thought kept emerging from the depths of my mind. Why was I battering myself with the continuous thoughts that were certain to cause distress in the stomach regions? Couldn't I simply avoid the subject and focus on the pleasant things that existed in my surroundings? The answer to this question is simple; we have no control over the thoughts that bombard the inner walls of our heads.

Some people call it an inner voice; others refer to it as the inner critic; the special label I have put aside for it is the intermediary. The name originates from my personal interpretation, fruit of an inquisitive observation and desire to unchain myself from the reactions that are stirred as collateral. The thoughts that arise, stand between our consciousness and the external world, providing us with perceptions, judgements and provocation. These thoughts steer us away from experiencing life at first hand, the way children do. We lose touch with the virgin, pure experience and add layers of interpretation that cloud the clarity we are given at birth.

Had we total control over these thoughts, we would never allow negative feelings to roam freely within the complex channels that make up the matrix inside our minds; we would probably intoxicate ourselves with happiness, bliss and joy. That, however, is a utopia that can only exist in fiction. Reality, on the other hand, is that the intermediary is a separate entity that grows bigger every time we fuel it by giving attention or allow triggered feelings to take over and waste mental energy in confrontation. The thoughts will always arise and that cannot be changed. What can change though, is the way we react to these intrusions.

Ever met someone who is trying to pick a fight at all costs? The worst thing one could do is to confront the bully, because that is exactly what he is looking for. Passively ignoring this person could also lead to unfavorable situations. However, if one had to acknowledge the bully without reacting to the provocation, the latter would simply retract into nothingness...little by little, the bully loses ground and a point will arrive when he has nothing else to grab onto.

Dealing with the external thoughts is similar in many ways. Suppressing the feelings or avoiding them is not good; they will resurface with greater strength in the future. The same applies whenever we allow these thoughts to turn into negative feelings, bad moods and depressed states. If however we acknowledge these thoughts without getting involved, they will simply leave us in peace. Next time they come up, they will have less to hang onto, until there will come a point where they will become totally irrelevant to us.

One should learn to observe these thoughts and feelings from a detached point of view. We are not our feelings and the feelings inside our being are not us. Instead of saying 'I am angry' try and say 'there is a feeling of anger inside of me'. This way of reasoning vests us in the role of observer, thus retaining total control on our actions and states of mind. This practice will eventually lead to the understanding that these thoughts are fruit of years of conditioning and shaping, passed onto us by a sick society. We can, and should, break this circle and strive to achieve mental clarity and regain that direct, uncontaminated experience.

everything has a beginning....

....and this is the beginning of my blogging adventure. Will this be an extension to my written journal, or a completely separate beast? I guess that's a question that will answer itself.

My first entry needs to go to Eric; you've been the initial inspiration to all this and a simple dedication is the very least I can do. Your touching personality and genuine friendship are sorely missed, not only by the people who knew you, but by this world that lacks in anything that is good. I wonder if my evening thoughts ever reach your astral hearing...if not, I'm taking this virtual opportunity to communicate to you my thoughts of remembrance, love and respect.

rock on Eric